2019 Round Up!
So tis the season of yearly round up blog posts and I was on the fence as to whether or not I should contribute, I didn’t know whether I should do one, being in my first year of business and I didn’t quite know what I should say.
But I was encouraged to do a post on how 2019 was for me and I decided I would just write honestly. SO here we go, but I feel it’s only fair to warn you that there are a thousand terrible metaphors and a gentle content warning for mental health issues.
And of course I’ll be including some of my very favourite photos from this year! You’ll spot some personal work and a self portrait!
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
When all through my heart, nothing was stirring …
… except for this great big bubble of fearful joy – I was doing it!! I was starting my own photography business, giving up a day job I hated and the whole industry affiliated with it and launching myself into a dream a decade in the making – taking photographs for a living. How exciting!! I was going to capture excellent moments, freeze beautiful emotions in time forever, be a safe place for LGBTQA+ couples/families and generally prance around happily with camera in hand.
I began with the thing at the centre of it all, photography. I had hardly picked up my camera in a year and now I was glued to it. I enrolled in classes and attended a diploma in photography course, went to every workshop I could find, offered free shoots for the first 6 months, organised styled shoots and begged friends to allow me to photograph them. I spent my days watching YouTube videos on editing, hours in lightroom and streamlining my workflow. I went on an excellent three-day course with the Trained Eye and met some fantastic people who were on the same journey as I was. I was (am) giddy! My other half would get home and ask me about my day, and I would sheepishly say ‘oh I didn’t do much, just 8 hours of editing’ because it didn’t FEEL like work, it felt like fun. And work isn’t fun right?
Then it was time to get serious, my brain and my bank were telling me that now was the time, time to business.
WHAMMED
Business. Wham! (I hate being whammed, who likes being whammed?!) Insurance, tax returns and worst of all ASKING TO BE PAID for my services. Eek! I cracked on! I got everything set up, my website was live, I am on google somewhere, Instagram became a daily task and I hesitantly put up my prices. This stuff is difficult friends, learning to run a business is no piece of cake and I am getting there. But the hardest part for me was putting a price on my own value and, even harder, sticking to it. I still ended up doing far too many photoshoots for free, I’d travel for over 4 hours for almost nothing and take every job that came my way. I was learning, it was good, and I am still hungry to try all the jobs, but I was working every single day, until late in the evening, re-doing things, re-thinking things and banging my head against walls I didn’t even know existed until I ran full steam ahead into them.
BRUSSELS SPROUTS
I burned out, I’d piled on weight and hit a pretty nasty stage in my mental health. I felt like I was failing. I felt like I was breaking down all my relationships and becoming a hermit. People kept telling me to self-care – so I painted, I had long hot baths and smashed bottles of wine in comfy clothes (working from home is the dream isn’t it?) But that’s not the type of self-care I needed. I needed to do the brussels sprouts of self-care. Ok, let’s just talk about sprouts for a minute, did you know how awesome they are? They’re easy to cook, full of fibre, protein, vitamin K and C all delivered in tiny low cal balls of greatness. (also, I may have only just learned that they are called brusselS Sprouts, not brussel sprouts, sneaky little bonus ‘s’!)
The self-care equivalent is sorting out my body and mind, and not by tubs of halo top or hours of jigsaw puzzling (this self-care still has it’s place though) it was working out, going for walks, getting out of the house, networking, meditation, asking for help, seeing good friends and cutting out the toxic influences in my life, you know the stuff, the stuff that makes you feel pretty rubbish.
I invested in an online coach, Body Smart Fitness, seriously check them out – game changer. And made lifestyle changes, I started working out again and tackling 20 years of eating disorders. Aiming for 1% better every day, I lost weight sure, but I also gained skills on how to cope with my own brain haze around food and my body. Cutting out the anxiety I had over food and body image gave me the mind space to work on other things that were going on. My suicidal idealisation that came on after a terrible Glastonbury this year quietened down and I addressed other worrisome mental health symptoms I’d been ignoring.
What does this have to do with my business you ask? Everything. At the very least, exercise is so freaking good for your mental health and being in a better place brain wise enabled me to concentrate on my business again. It gave me more confidence, I began to network again, I reached out to local businesswomen and did an awesome project (read about that here). I can now focus on my brand, my daily business tasks and I can do these things with clarity, energy and confidence.
I still don’t have this 100% down and I am still being coached and getting help. A hiccup does, on occasion, send me spiralling, my Mom was rushed to hospital last week and suddenly, I was out of control again. But I have coping skills, the ability to employ them now and get back on track.
NO MORE ROOM AT THE INN
Once I had all the real deal self-care habits in place and had built better, healthier habits other things became more obvious. I was still subscribing to a lot of toxic BS. I cut it out. I stopped pandering to friends who clearly had no time for me, I un-followed Instagram accounts that didn’t serve me, left photography groups that were majorly negative and dropped the word ‘Hustle’. For me and my business to grow, I had no more room for this stuff. It was hard, there were tears, but I owed it to myself.
CHRISTMAS LIGHTS
I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the people in my life who have twinkled when I felt like I was in a dark place (how far can I take these metaphors folks?) I’ve met some pretty awesome, kind and inspirational people in my first year of business. And the combination of them, Doug (my OH), friends and my family has kept me going, out of danger (to myself) and I am incredibly grateful to them all.
So, it’s been a bit of a year! A roller coaster ride of my lowest lows and some pretty fantastic highs, but now I get to go into 2020 on a nice gentle slope (upwards ofc) and at a decent consistent speed. My focus next year is my brand. I want to nail who I am and what I offer, and I have help on this too, I have an incredible business coach who is helping me to do this.
I thought my word for 2020 would be consistency, but you know what? I’ve nailed that, thank you thank you, my word for 2020 will be maintenance. I will be maintaining my healthy habits when it comes to body, mind, relationships, skilling up in photography and my business.
I’ll leave you with more of my favourite shots from this year and the warmest wishes to you and yours <3
